Pet Peeve No. 09 - Personal Questions From Strangers

As if it's anybody's business. I wish I had a shilling for every time I've heard it.

I have always been tall. As a pre-teen, I was the one who reached up and reset the traps on the roof.

I'm much older now. Much, much older. The years have taken their toll: the cantileverd load, the weight on the knees. It is sometimes very difficult for me to stand completely upright. And yet they feel compelled to ask.

A complete stranger will walk up to me. He will be hesitant and he will never touch... no tugging at the shirt sleeve, no tapping on the shoulder (if he can reach it). He will laugh nervously with hands in pockets, like perhaps he should have thought twice before approaching me. Yes, perhaps he should have.

But without fail, his stupidity will gain the upper hand and the question will spill out: "So, heh heh, how tall are you, anyway?"

I will bend down so he can smell my breath. His eyes will water. His lips will tremble. I will stare straight through to the back of his skull and reply: "Why do you care? Do you have meat on your roof?" Then I will rumble a low growl deep in my throat and turn away.

Sometimes the stranger will wet himself. This gives me great pleasure, especially at the grocer's. "Cleanup on Aisle Nine!" My turn to laugh.

So I'll tell you, what the hell. Then you'll never have to ask. I'm well over eight feet tall on my hind legs and that's all you need to know. Give or take an inch or two for the slump, what's the difference when you're talking about eight feet?

I smell meat. Heh heh.

Cosmic Consciousness No. 12 - Peter, Paul... and Marty?!

Great concert featuring Puff the Magic Drag Queen on the telly last night.

So what did you do for giggles?

Rowanism No. 06 - On Being First

Rowan will turn four-and-a-half next month. Here's an example of her current mind-set:

We were in the children's section of a local bookshoppe last night. Rowan, plus another wee girl and a young lad (who would soon commit urine to pants and consequently the floor) were playing at the Thomas the Tank Engine hands-on display where the youngsters are encouraged to play with Thomas & Friends and then demand a purchase be made on their behalf. Each child had a piece of the train and they were following each other around the track. Rowan was always in the lead. If another child moved in front, Rowan would move ahead to take the lead again.

I told her, "Rowan, you don't always have to be first."

"Okay," she said, not entirely in agreement. Then her eyes lit up. She had an idea.

"I got a idea!" She beamed. "We'll take turns going first! I'll go first."

Pet Peeve No. 08 - Loud Talkers

Why do people who use cell phones always talk louder than everyone else? This chap was sitting two sections above me at the rugby game and his conversation about Series 2 / Episode 3 of Rising Damp was all I could hear!

They're like bloody fog horns! Turn up the microwaves!

Syd Barrett / 1946-2006

Have a nice trip!

Name Tags of the Damned No. 05

Spotted at MacBurger's: TRAINEISHIAN (female)

Perhaps it's the Schwatusi word for trainee.

Create-A-Joke

Did you hear about the 750-pound man who lost 800 pounds?

Please leave your punchline in the Comments.

Rowanism No. 5 - Listen To This, Eddie

"Mommy, one day can we go to a Ed Zeppelin concert?"

Rowanism No. 04 - Where's My Ride?

"The bad people ride with the bad people."