What don't I eat? Hmmm...
Hold onto your seat. Food trauma to follow:
I don't know if you've heard the rumours about my eating habits, but when I was a kid, my parents would often send me to bed without supper because I wouldn't (or couldn't) eat what my dad worked hard to provide and my mum worked hard to prepare. I guess that was meant to teach me a lesson. It didn't.
Some things just don't taste good to me, but more often than not I think it's a TEXTURE problem that makes me gag on things like lima beans or tomatoes, or an ODOR problem with foods like collard greens or spinach or devilled eggs.
My parents had little pet names for me like Picky Pete, Finicky Frank, or Ollie Oddball (okay, I made those up). But this is TRUE: my mum once showed me a picture of a starving Third World stick-baby and told me "This is what you will look like...".
Strangely enough, as a kid I ate some things that I won't touch today: sweet potatoes, macaroni & cheese, tips of matches, salmon croquettes... Isn't that weird?
As a teenager, I would go to restaurants with my parents & their friends and tell the waitress "No salad." And I'd get stares and hear remarks like:
"No salad?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Are you a picky eater?"
"Weirdo."
"Can I have his?"
Jeepers, what's my problem?
No, I take that back... What's your problem?
Eventually I taught myself to eat salads just to avoid embarrassment in social settings, providing I could discreetly pick out tomatoes & onions & cucumbers & garlic croutons, and honey mustard dressing was available.
"Look, that bloke is picking out his cucumbers. What a twit!"
"Are you gonna eat those?"
As far as seafood is concerned, I have no problem with fish or shrimp (preferably fried, though I will eat broiled flounder or broiled/boiled/grilled shrimp). I have never eaten oysters or scallops. I did once chew on a dried piece of octopus that an old Korean gentleman pulled out of his coat pocket. And I was stung by a jellyfish during the Pat Benatar era.
Quick story: when I was in the lunchroom in seminary school, there was something on my plate which was probably stewed tomatoes. I said "this looks like vomit" to a classmate, who in turn told my weaving coach, who in turn dragged me to the kitchen to tell the Lunchroom Lady. Now, was that very nice? What a wanker!
So anyway, crikey, there are gajillions of things I don't eat... mayonnaise, anything made with mayonnaise, pears, cottage cheese, chicken salad, tuna salad, anything with eyes that isn't a potato, anything with skin that isn't a potato, raw tomatoes (though tomato sauce is a staple), eel pie. I could go on and on, but I'll spare myself (and you, dear reader) further embarrassment. Because you probably rub your hands together with glee and eat this crap, don't you? Well, don't you?!?
So how did a chap who won't eat anything get so freakin' BIG? Why am I even still alive?
I'm just glad I didn't grow up to be that stick-baby. But thanks for the nightmares, mum.
I smell meat!
6 comments:
Me thinks me knows 'ow you got so big. It waws the radiation from repeated viewin's of The 50-Foot Woman, wan't it?
So I take it you don't like smegma on your grilled cheese sandwiches?
Ummm... no. You can have mine.
Dear Seamus,
As your roomate in our very early 20s, I know for a fact that you would not eat anything unless it was red.
Never did I witness you eating a green thing, nor purple..orange was right out. Only red..pizza (without
veg or color)..spaghetti out of a can..and other red food or meat-by products. This brings me to my question and reason for calling: In your opinion, are people basically good or is life merely a tragic joke told by a cranky hungover godman?
Magnum Pee-eye
"Yes," He said, nodding knowingly. And He saw that it was good.
Biscuits. Brown and serve. Millions.
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